On December 26th, 2009 the love of my life proposed marriage in the pouring rain on the edge of the ocean in San Francisco, California.
Kris became my sanity, the calm in my storm. We set a date, June 12th. The next 6 months most of my days consisted of sitting on my bed surrounded by piles of wedding magazines or on my laptop googling wedding ideas. Not having my mom around was tough. I called her constantly for her opinion and ideas. Then one day I googled "beach weddings." I came across a website ran by a destination wedding coordinator in San Diego, CA....as I scrolled down the page I saw "Coronado Beach." I had already made up my mind.
Some of my fondest memories with my father were made on Coronado Island. Our family took several summer vacations there and it was always our dream to stay at Hotel Del Coronado. It was one of my favorite places.
The website gave information on a wedding package where the couple would be married on the beach in front of the hotel. When I took the idea to Kris I tried to explain it in the most delicate way, assuming he wouldn't go for it. But, without even the slightest hesitation, he was on board! He loved the idea!
The big day was upon us, as I stood barefoot on the sidewalk out of the guests sight, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. It would not be my father walking me down the isle but mother. She stood in for him that day as she gave me away to my groom. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, as she had been the example of strength I needed to get through the past year. I held her hand tightly as we made our way down the sandy isle, towards my future husband. I had always imagined that on my wedding day it would be my own father marrying my husband and I, but as I took my husbands hand and faced the minister, I was comforted to see my new Pastor standing there. I realized in that moment that God had meticulously placed this man in my life. Pastor Stacey Wiley and his wife had become not only my spiritual mentors, but the family I so longed for.
I had reserved time in the ceremony to memorialize my father. The wedding coordinator suggested I keep it simple and try not to do anything that might make people cry or become emotional. This woman had obviously never lost someone so close to her, so I politely told her not to worry about it, that I would decide was appropriate. We decided to each take a white rose and walk out to the edge of the beach and throw the petals into the ocean while playing one of my favorite songs, "Make you Feel my Love" by Adele. The moment was perfect. I watched as the tide came and carried the petals back into the ocean. I imagined the tide was God, and the petals my dad, as they floated out along the peaceful waters. I hoped he was at peace now. I asked God to forgive me for the days that I blamed him for what happened, and to help me forgive my father. I closed my eyes fighting back tears as I made a promise to my father that I would try my very best to live a happy life, just like he had wanted. I turned back towards the chairs filled with my family, my new family, old friends, and new friends, and I saw all that God had given me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but he had given me the tools I needed to move on with my life. And although there was a speck of sadness in my heart because my daddy was missing from that day, I felt more joy than I had in a very long time.
June 12th, 2010 was a day of healing. I was about to start a new life as a wife. The value in being a Godly woman had a whole new meaning to me. I was finally able to grasp what God had been trying to show me for a year. No where in the bible does God say "live for me and your life will be easy" but he does say "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Life is hard, no one ever said it was easy, but I stand on his word knowing he will never give me more than I can bear. God allows us to go through things so that we might be a testimony. Each day is a struggle, some days worse than others. Like when the anniversary of his death comes, or his birthday draws near. Even as I let my new baby girl help heal my heart, I still feel the hole that was left when my daddy took his life. But I have found peace and strength in my heavenly father. I cannot tell you how many times I have made my way to an altar, weak and weary, asking God for strength to make it through the week. I have felt his loving arms around me, filling my soul with comfort. It hurts my heart to hear people say that they don't believe in Jesus Christ. I sometimes wish that they were able to walk in my shoes for a while so that they might feel his presence like I do every single day and know it is because of his grace and mercy that I am here. I wish I could make them comprehend that I am happy today because of the Joy HE placed in my heart.
Now, two and a half years later, I thank God for where he has brought me from, and I am truly proud of my testimony. I am a stronger person because of it. I learned to have complete faith in Christ, knowing that he has brought me this far for a reason. I am blessed to say that God has been better than good to me.
I am a living testimony of God's perfect strength.
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