Fork in the Road

In the following months I found myself tormented by guilt and loneliness. Everything happened so fast. My dad was dead and my family gone all in less than a month and a half. I struggled with making the decision to stay in Arizona. When everything was said and done, it was just too hard for me to continue attending my dad's church. Seeing his empty chair up on the platform was too painful. In making the decision to leave, I became even lonelier considering my life long friends whom I fellowshipped with multiple times a week were now people I only saw every so often. I began attending Worship & Word, the church my husband attended. I was very close with Pastor Wiley and his family and I truly loved the church, but I had a hard time finding friends like I had at PRC, as there weren't many my age.

I also had almost no family here. My great aunt and uncle lived in Phoenix, and a few cousins in Casa Grande but spending time with them was rare. As I mentioned before I was living with my husbands sister and brother-in-law, which was my saving grace. I loved them both dearly and grew very close with their daughters who were already calling me their auntie ken. I also adored Kris's entire family who were all so loving and kind to me. They continuously went out of their way to make me feel apart of the family. Although this made it bearable, it was not enough to mend my heart. 
Work became miserable for me. It was a very slow branch and I had too much time to get lost in my thoughts. I kept myself distant from my coworkers only fueling my self inflicted isolation. At times I would be driving and would start to cry. The cries would quickly turn into all out screams of anguish. I would be so overcome with emotion and as my vision blurred with tears I would pull over...sometimes even on the freeway at night. I would beat the steering wheel and scream "Why God!" On the verge of hyperventilation, I would eventually regain composer.

Most nights after work I would pick up dinner, come home and stay in my room till I cried myself to sleep. I would try to talk to Kris about how I felt but he couldn't even begin to comprehend what I was going through. He looked at me with pity in his eyes and I could see the helplessness written all over his face. I hated that look. It was a look everyone was giving me, when I went to work or church...it made me feel like I had the words "MY LIFE IS TRAGIC" stamped on my four head. I felt like no one could even have a normal conversation with me because they didn't know what to say, like I might burst into tears and have a meltdown if they said the wrong thing. This led to many awkward moments between myself and people I had known for years. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me because I wanted so badly for them to believe I was strong and above everything that had happened to me. Even though that was far from the truth. This time in the grieving process was the hardest as my emotions ranged from hopelessness to pure rage. One day I would be sad and melancholy, and the next I wanted to spend the entire day beating a punching bag. I recall one night my husband and I had gone to our gym which was and MMA boxing class and it was my turn to hit the bag. One hit after another I became livid, then suddenly a flood of tears came pouring down my face. I excused myself from the class embarrassed that I had lost control.

Still having a hard time deciding if my decision to stay was the right one or not, I distinctly remember a conversation Kris and I had. We were sitting in my room and I told him I just didn't know if I could stay. I told him how guilty I felt for not going with my mom. "She needs me," I said. But what I really meant was "I need her." We both cried and he asked if I felt we could have a long distance relationship...I cried even harder. My heart did not want to be more than 10 feet away from him, let alone thousands of miles. I was sick with confusion. We had not yet discussed marriage as I was only 19 but we both knew there would never be anyone else. I called my mom and told her how I was feeling, she told me I needed to stay, that Kris was a good man and I should not let him go. A couple of days later I told Kris I was staying, the relief on his face warmed my heart. Soon after our relationship took a more serious turn.