The Aftermath

On Friday, I took my mom and sister back to the house. It was another day where the minutes passed like hours. Faces still came and went as the word of my father’s shocking death traveled through the nation. Friends and family started booking flights and soon enough they were filling our home with support and comfort. When my aunt Cindy, Nana and Papa finally arrived we all fell into their arms with tears of relief. My heart felt a little less heavy knowing they were there to take a load off of my mom and I knew I wouldn’t feel so helpless anymore.

I was lost. I couldn’t feel sorry for myself because I so wanted to see my mom and sister smile again. I felt that if my mom saw the pain on my face she would feel worse. I couldn’t handle seeing my family like this. I barely cried at all that day for fear I would never stop. At one point I had gone into my parents room to get something for my mom and I saw my sister sitting on the floor holding things of our dad’s and weeping. She had on one of his tee shirts again. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and I felt nauseous. I wanted so badly for her to be happy again. She was letting out all the emotions I was too afraid to let go of. My heart wanted to sit down next to her, lean my head on her shoulder and cry with her…but I quickly reminded myself that it was my job to be strong. I helped her up and told her she needed to rest. I walked her to her bedroom and as she curled up on the bed grasping these things tightly to her chest I spotted one of his watches on her wrist. She wore that watch every single day after that until I saw her months later, it was sitting on her nightstand. I told her that if these things made her so upset then she shouldn’t look at them…she closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep refusing to let them out of her hands.

I left the room and told my mom. It was obvious that Haley and I couldn’t handle being at the house anymore. Mom booked a hotel room so Haley and I checked in that night. My best friend Kylie agreed to stay there with us so we wouldn’t be alone. The hotel was very nice and quiet, I thought we would start feeling better now that we were away from the house. I was wrong. I remember walking out of the room where haley would seem fine and coming back a few minutes later to find her sobbing. Later that night while she was in the shower I called one of my best friends Kandra who was living in Oregon. She was flying out for the funeral in a few days and I couldn’t wait to have her next to me. As I spoke very calmly one minute, the next minute I was crying out “Why did he leave us Kandra?! Why did he do this to my mom and sister?” She cried too. It was the first time that entire day I had really cried. “I can’t believe this is happening” she said. No one could believe it. She promised to be here soon and we got off the phone. Later that night as I got ready for bed I closed the bathroom door and sat on the edge of the bathtub. Completely alone in my thoughts I contemplated what life would be like after all was said and done. I knew in my heart my mom would not stay in Arizona. But what about me? These were thoughts that tortured me even after my family was gone. I couldn’t imagine that any of us would ever be “ok” again, and if they were to leave me in Arizona would I ever be happy again?

It was time to go to the morgue. Pastor and Sis Wiley came to pick us up in their church van and we all piled in. Mom, Nana, Papa, Aunt Cindy, Zack, his wife Sylvia, Haley, Kristopher, and myself. The morgue was in downtown Phoenix and seemed to be the longest drive. We rode in silence fearful for what was to come. The place seemed very nice and looked like a church with a lobby, a chapel to the left and offices to the right. The Funeral director led us down the hall into a large room that had a huge table in the center surrounded by chairs, and dozens of casket samples sticking out of the walls. I was scared and didn’t know what to do with myself. I had a million thoughts swirling around in my head and my heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest. I grasped tightly to Kristopher’s hand. In the middle of the room was a huge table with chairs. The family sat down while Kris and the Wiley’s stood in the corner of the room. The mortician was a man that had known us for a very long time and who used to attend our church many years ago. He asked us to please excuse him for being emotional, that this was a very difficult thing for him to do. We discussed the details of the viewing and funeral, what kind of casket we wanted for dad, and where he would be buried. I listened to my mom and brother speak while my sister and I remained silent. I glanced at Kris for support and he gave me an encouraging smile…but his eyes were filled with sorrow. It was a look that so many people would give me and that I would grow to hate. A while later we got up to look around the room at the different types of caskets. We all agreed on a beautifully designed one with what looked like pillars going up the side. My father always loved beautiful architecture, especially those with pillars (hence the design of PRC’s baptistery). After we were done planning he told us that we could see him now. Someone suggested that my mom go first, and alone.

We all gathered in another room down the hall as my mom was led to the chapel. Everyone stood in the room and hallway speaking quietly and nervously. Not even a moment later we heard a scream. It was the same scream I heard at the house that day. Everyone started to panic and my first thought was to get Haley outside. “Was that mom?!” she asked as I yanked her hand and started running down the hall. I looked back and saw the tears had already started to drip down her face. I called for Kris as we rushed Haley outside, I told him not to let her inside until I told him it was ok. By this time my brother had already ran into the chapel as I headed for the doors. I swung them open and saw at the very end of the chapel my mother lying over my father’s body. I only looked for a few seconds as I burst into to tears and turned away. It was the most heart wrenching thing for a daughter to see her own grieving mother laying over her father’s dead body. It was too much for me….I started hyperventilating as Sis Wiley led me to a chair and got me a cup of water. Kris and Haley finally made their way inside and I buried my face in Kris’s neck. After a while I calmed down and made my way back into the chapel with the rest of the family. My brother took my hand and led me up to where my dad was. I felt sick to my stomach. I looked at him lying there but didn’t get too close. I remember thinking that contrary to what people say, he DIDN’T look like he was sleeping.