A Daughter Loses Her Father

It was another hot august day….a day of really no significance. I was working at the bank then and was still pretty new as I had only been there for about 2 months. That morning came and went like any other morning before that. I had lunch and sat back down at my desk a little before one pm. I was living with my now husbands sister and was planning on going to my parents that night for dinner. I thought I would give my mom a call to touch base with her. When my mom answered I knew something was wrong. She put me on hold right away. I heard her talking to a man but couldn’t really understand what they were saying. I heard her say “it’s my daughter.” She got back on the phone and said “Kendra you need to come home now.” “Now?” I didn’t understand. “Yes Kendra you need to come home now.” “But mom I’m at work I can’t just leave.” “Kendra you just need to head home” she said. “Mom what happened? Is everything ok?” She wouldn't answer me. I said I was on my way and hung up the phone. I told my co worker that something had happened at home and my mom needed me now. By this time I was already shaking and crying. They told me it was fine and to hurry home. I got into my car, tears pouring down my face, and dialed my boyfriend’s number. He was at work but he answered. “Something’s wrong at home I just left work” I sobbed.  He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and to please drive safe and call him when I found out what was going on. I hung up with Kris and called my mom again. I asked her a million questions “What happened? Is everything ok with Zack? Is dad sick?” She wouldn’t answer. Suddenly I heard another voice get on the phone. It was Tina Wilson, a close friend of the family and my fathers church secretary. “Kendra, its sister Tina…listen to me you need to get home as quickly as you can. We just need you to drive safe.” I cried even harder because I knew that if people from the church were at my home something was very wrong. I hung up with Tina and called my brother. Maybe he knew what was going on. He didn’t answer. I wanted to scream! I didn’t know what to do but drive. I called my future sister in law Kristy Cooper. I told her what was happening and she immediately prayed with me. I remember that prayer was probably the only thing that go me home. I cried the whole way there and kept screaming “Not my daddy! Please God don’t take my daddy!” I think in my heart I already knew he wasn’t here anymore.

As I turned the corner into my neighborhood my heart was pounding. What was I going to see when I turn the corner and saw my house? Was I overreacting? I turned the last corner as my house came in to view. The first thing I saw was yellow tape. The house was taped off like a crime scene. There were cop cars everwhere and I saw the white coroners truck. My heart that was pounding so hard one second ago had stopped beating. I parked across the street and ran out of my car. Tina and our assistant pastors wife Corina Flores ran up to either side of me. I collapsed. They practically carried me out of the middle of the street and I kept crying “please tell me what happened to my dad!” My mom ran towards me “My baby!” I collapsed in her arms. I cried from the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t breathe. A woman in a pantsuit came over to us. “This is my daughter Kendra” my mom told her. She looked at me with the most emotionless expression on her face. “Hi Kendra my name is _______. I am a family counselor with the Avondale police department. I’m very sorry to tell you this Kendra but your father commited suicide today here in your home………..” Everything froze. I don’t know if she kept talking, everything became silent only for a split second. I snapped back to reality and couldn’t hold myself up. I screamed “No! No!!” over and over again. My mom, Tina, and Corina were holding me up. I looked into my moms face....she looked lost. I tried to find an answer in her eyes but they were screaming the same questions in my mind. Her face was pale and puffy from crying but there were no tears. She was numb. I wanted someone else to be crying to. Why wasn’t anyone else crying?! I realized soon that everyone already there was, by this time in shock.

Since it was so scorching hot outside and we weren’t allowed to go inside the house the councilor offered her car right across the street. I sat there still with the a/c blowing in my face but doing nothing to dry up the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. Tina came over a few minutes later and held me. She was talking but I felt so far away and disconnected I couldn’t understand the words she was saying. When my mom came back to me I had stopped crying. The tears seemed to have dripped down my cheeks and neck and soak the neck of my shirt. She held me in her arms and told me that everything was going to be ok that she would take care of us and not to worry because we would get through it together. I asked her to please call Kris and tell him what had happened. I needed him to be there. She left the car to call him and I sat there staring at the other side of the street. On that side it looked so peaceful and motionless. The counselor came into the car and asked me if I had any questions. She asked if I wanted to know what had happened. I was terrified but I needed to know. I asked her how he did it and she told me he used a gun. I was sick and just sat there staring straight ahead.  I had my “This isn’t real….this is a dream” moment right then. It may have lasted longer except that it was interrupted by a blood curdling scream. I shot my head back to the house and saw the stretcher. The scream had come from my mom.  The tears came again…first my cheeks, streaming down my neck, soaking into my shirt. What was happening and WHY was this happening? I couldn’t see my mom anywhere.

About 45 minutes later Kris had gotten the the house and I was relieved. By this time the police had started leaving….the yellow tape was gone. We both sat on the sidewalk and cried. What seemed like hours had passed and I still hadn’t gone into the house. The biggest question in my mind was how we were going to tell Haley. The school day was not over yet as my mom left with the counselor and Kelsey Wilson (haley’s best friend) in tow. All I could think when she came home was how thankful I was that the yellow tape and that white truck were gone. She got out of the car with the same look my mom had. Screaming eyes but numb everywhere else. I saw her shaking and hugged her tight. It was her I felt for the most. Her and my father had the most unique, close relationship that every girls wants to have with her daddy. I envied her almost for being such a daddy’s girl all her life. By this time we had gone into the house. It felt different and empty. It wasn’t a home anymore, it was a place I didn’t like to be. In less that an hour people started to poor in. Our home was full of concerned hearts.

The rest of that day is sort of lost in my memory. I do remember looking for my sister….she was shut away in her room laying in her bed wearing one of our dad’s tee shirts. I didn’t know what to say to her. Her tears never stopped. My brother was stationed in Kansas at the time and remember feeling so badly for him because I couldn’t imagine being so far away from us at a time like this. He was very calm and reassured my mom, sister, and I that he would be home soon. He would MAKE the army let him come home. I don’t think it really hit him until the funeral.

As faces came and went in a blur, Pastor Stacey Wiley and his wife were there all the while. Pastor Wiley and Bro. Flores came to me and asked where my dad had kept his guns. I showed them where they were. They took them all away. They let us stay in their home that night. As I crawled into bed I was so exhausted and yet it took me forever to fall asleep. I lay there staring into the darkness feeling very far away. God? Are you here with me? I prayed that night for peace to sleep the whole night through. I slept very soundly that night.

I woke up the next more very early and extremely groggy. It wasn’t a dream. I went into the other room to check on my mom. She was up and getting her stuff together. She said that she wanted to go back home.